It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
