i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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