Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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