I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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