She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He did a backflip because drugs
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