Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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