Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
