Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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