Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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