How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
