Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
