i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
