it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
