Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
