stop calling my apartment porn island.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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