anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i need some magic done to my vagina
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
