I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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