when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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