Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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