He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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