Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The best revenge is premature balding
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize