I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Those nachos came to me in a dream
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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