I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
