At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
