just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
