my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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