That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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