something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
