i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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