drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
