I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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