i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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