I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
