At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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