party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
