On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
