he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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