He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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