Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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