i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
