Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Someone signed my nipple.
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