i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
