Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
