am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
God, I missed his penis.
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