I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
