We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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