I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
