my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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