thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
FUCK WHALES
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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