my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Drake has all the answers
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
