she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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