Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
