sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
