Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
