I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
