I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He did a backflip because drugs
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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