6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
