Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
